On finding the meaning of existence

ALL BATTLES HAVE BEEN FOUGHT

THE WATERS OF THE OCEAN

BECOME BLOOD

RISE UP OUT OF THEIR WETNESS

EVAPORATE.

THE CENTURIES MOW DOWN

THE HUMBLE

THE MEEK

THE PROUD AND THE STRONG

ALL BECOME ONE

IN THIS MIGHTY BATH

WHERE NOTHING IS WHAT IT SEEMS.

WHERE WHAT IS-

IS NOT.

DO YOU CATCH AN ECHO

OF THE MARVELOUS

THE GRAND ELOQUENT

IN YOUR VEINS

IN THE PART OF YOU

THAT NO LONGER

NEEDS TO CARE

ABOUT SECURITY

OR MATTERS

OF THE EARTH.

DOES GOD

HEAR ME CRYING?

DOES SHE CARE?

I WHO AM

SO INSIGNIFICANT.

A TINY SPECK

IN THE VAST ARRAY

OF POSSIBILITIES.

BEAUTY IS

THE UNKNOWN COMPANION

WHO IS ALWAYS

JUST BEYOND MY REACH.

THAT WHICH MY VISION CATCHES

BUT MY HEART AND HANDS CANNOT.

BEAUTY THE ONE WHO ESCAPES ME.

A TEASE.

THAT WHICH

I NEVER ATTAIN.

ITS PROMISE

IS ONE THAT CANNOT

BE FULFILLED

AND ONCE APPARENTLY REALIZED

IMMEDIATELY DISSOLVES

INTO THE MEDIOCRE.

IT IS A PASSION

THAT DOES NOT REMAIN CONSTANT.

IT APPEARS

DISAPPEARS

LEAVES MY HEART OPEN

VULNERABLE.

IS THERE A PRESENCE

THAT IS CONCERNED

ABOUT ME

IN THE UNIVERSE?

A PERSON

WHO WANTS TO HELP-

TO HEAL?

IS THERE A FORCE

THAT EVEN KNOWS

IF I EXIST.

SO RATHER THAN FLY

INTO HOPES

OPEN ARMS

I RELINQUISH ALL.

I EXPECT NOTHING.

I AM GRATEFUL

FOR EVERYTHING.

BECAUSE

MOST OF THE GOOD THINGS

PASS ME BYE.

SECURITY IS A ROBBER

BECAUSE

IT IS

AN IMPOSSIBILITY-

AN ILLUSION.

A METEORITE

CAN DASH OUT THE SKY

AND CRUSH ME.

BLOT ME OUT

IN AN INSTANT.

IS THERE ANY BACK DOOR?

ANY PLACE TO GO

FOR COMFORT

OR HELP?

OR IS MY LOT

THAT OF A SOUL

LOST FROM CONCEPTION?

ALL THIS

THAT COMES FLYING AT ME

EVERY DAY.

THIS BOMBARDMENT

THAT NEVER SLOWS

OR COMES TO A SCREECHING HALT.

THESE WINDS

TIMES

AND TURMOIL’S.

THESE COLDS

AND STUFFED UP NOSES.

FRESHLY LIT

WITH WHITE POWDER.

THESE IMAX IMAGES

IN OUTER SPACE.

THIS MUSIC

THAT SO SELDOM PLAYS.

THERE IS MOSTLY

THE LONELY-

THE QUIET-

THE DARK-

THE SOUNDLESS

WITH A FEW SPLASHES

OF MOVEMENT

AGAINST A PULSAR OF NOTHINGNESS.

STARLESS INFINITIES

OF GALACTIC DUST.

TIME CREEPS ONWARD

OR SO IT SEEMS

ERASING ALL OF US.

WE WHO WERE

AND ARE

DISSOLVE

ARE NO MORE-

NOT EVEN MEMORY.

WE WHO WERE SO CERTAIN

SO SURE.

IS LOVE AN ASSAULT?

IS LOVE THE ULTIMATE

DELUSION?

THE IMPOSSIBLE

THAT WE SEARCH FOR

BUT NEVER GRASP?

IS LOVE THE PROMISE

OF WHAT

CAN NEVER LAST?

ALL THINGS FADE IN TIME

AND DISINTEGRATE-

IF THERE IS SUCH A THING AS TIME.

WHAT IS LEFT

TO REFORMULATE A WORLD?

THROW YOURSELF

INTO THE NIGHT

DANCE WITH SOLAR SYSTEM.

YOU WHO HEAD

FOR NO DESTINATION-

YOU WHO SPIRAL

OUT OF CONTROL

AS ALL THE MATTER

FLIES OUT OFF OF YOU

AND YOU LIE NAKED

EXPOSED.

WHERE DO YOU EXIST?

WHERE DO YOU OCCUPY VOLUME

DEPTH

DIMENSION?

WHERE DOES BLOOD

ENTER YOU?

OR DO YOU COME

EQUIPPED WITH IT?

BEFORE ME

ALL IS DARKNESS

AFTER ME THERE IS

NO IDENTITY

NO DISTINGUISHING MARK-

NO TRACE OF MOLECULE

OR MICROBE.

I CAN KNOW

NO ONE BETTER

THAN MY SELF

THAT HANGS

ON THE BORDER-

ON THE EDGE

OR PRECIPICE

OF I

I I.

WHEN I LOVE

I LOVE

THAT PART

OF THE SELF

THAT AROUSES

WITHIN ME.

HOW IT MAKES ME FEEL

MORE ALIVE

AND AWAKE

THAN THE OTHER-

THAN THE LURKING ONE

IN THE SHADOW.

I AM ALONE.

WE ARE ALL ALONE.

YOU KNOW IT.

ALL ELSE IS PERCEPTION.

THAT IS THE RIDDLE

OF THE UNIVERSE.

ALL THAT APPEARS

TO BE IS NOT.

MY CONSCIOUSNESS

CONTRIBUTES AND CONSTRUCTS

ALL COLORS-

ALL SMELLS-

ALL SOUNDS.

SOUND IS THE VIBRATION

WITHIN ME

COLOR IS A MAP

THAT SINGS

ITS OWN SONG-

MAKES ITS OWN MELODY.

ALL THAT I AM

VANISHES.

ALL MOMENTS EXIST SIMULTANEOUSLY.

TIME IS A WAY

TO VIEW LIFE.

A BREAKING DOWN OF ETERNITY

INTO ACCEPTABLE CHUNKS.

I AM NOT WHAT I THINK I AM.

YOU ARE NOT

WHAT YOU THINK YOU ARE.

I AM MY OWN ANSWER.

I AM MY OWN LIVES WORK.

THE PAINTER

AND SCULPTOR

OF MY SOUL.

I WEAR MANY MASKS-

MANY DISGUISES.

BUT ALL IS I

EXPLODING

AND IMPLODING

FORMING NEW QUASARS

AND THEY ARE ALL ME.

THEY GO ON AND ON

PAST RECONCILIATION-

BEYOND REDEMPTION.

I DO NOT LOOK FOR PEACE

FOR RELEASE-

FOR SALVATION.

FOR ALL

IS MOVING CHAOS.

EVERY SECOND IS A CELEBRATION.

A DANCE

OF THE SYMPATHIES

THAT ARRANGE THEMSELVES

INTO SHAPES AND FORMS

BECOME THINGS-

THE FLIGHT

OF PELICANS

AND CONDORS.

THERE IS NO WAY

TO SPEED UP

THIS JOURNEY.

YET I AM THE NEEDED ARTICULATION.

THE LINK

BETWEEN NOTHINGNESS

AND TIME.

THE GEL

THAT HOLDS

THOUGHTS AND CONSCIOUS

AWAKENING TOGETHER.

I AM ALL THERE IS.

YOU ARE I.

EXPANSIVE

LARGER

IMMEDIATE.

THE WINTER WANTS ME.

THE LEAVES NEED ME.

THE BREEZE

CONVEYS THE MOMENTUM

OF MY SILENCE.

I AM STILLNESS

THAT LIVES

THROUGH EVERYTHING.

ALL EXISTS FOR ME.

THAT IS THE MEANING.

THE DESTINY.

THE PURPOSE

OF THE PAIN

OF EVERY WOUND AND HURT.

I AM THAT WOUNDED CHILD

ON THE STREET.

I AM THE HUNGRY REFUGEE.

I DIED ON SEPTEMBER 11th.

I WHO AM ALIVE NOW

FIND THE DEAD WITHIN MYSELF.

ALL THE HEARTS

THAT HAVE STOPPED BEATING.

THEIR PULSE

IS NOT ONLY HEARABLE

AND FEELABLE

BUT IT WAS NOT TAKEN AWAY

BUT ONLY UNABLE

TO RECOGNIZE

ITS ASSEMBLAGE.

ITS EVAPORATION

INTO THE ELEMENTS-

THE BUILDING BLOCKS

OF WHAT IS CALLED CREATION

WHICH IS ESSENTIALLY

REARRANGEMENT OF WHAT IS.

MAKING THE INVISIBLE VISIBLE.

WHAT IS NOT

INTO WHAT IS

THAT BECOMES

WHAT IS NOT

AND NOT KNOW

IT IS SOMETHING

OR A VOID.

I MOURN THE LOSS

I REDEDICATE

TO THE CONVICTION.

GOOD WILL RISE AGAIN

LIFE WILL NOT BE ANNIHILATED.

THESE VOICES THAT CRY

FROM BUILDINGS

ARE ALL CRYING OUT

TO ME.

I AM TOO WRAPPED UP

IN THE BELIEF

I AM GOING SOMEWHERE.

THAT I AM DOING SOMETHING.

THAT I HAVE

A DESTINATION

OR A GOAL.

WHEN I SHOULD JUST STOP COLD-

DEAD IN MY OWN FOOTPRINTS.

WHERE AM I ANYWAY?

I STAND IN TRUTH.

ALL MOVEMENT IS DECEPTION.

A BLANKET

STUFFED OVER

AN EMPTINESS.

THERE IS NOTHING

BEYOND

WHAT I SEE-

BEYOND WHAT IS HERE.

I HAVE TO SEE IT

CORRECTLY.

THIS NOW

IS WHAT I MUST EXPERIENCE.

IT IS ITS OWN MEANING.

THIS IS WHAT IS GRASPABLE.

ALL ELSE IS FUTILE.

THE WOUNDS OF CHANGE

RUSTLE THE AMBIGUITIES

REFRESH OLD WOUNDS

MAKE THEM RIPE

FOR HEALING.

THERE IS NO CRESCENDO

NO DENOUEMENT.

IT IS ALL NOW.

I CANNOT

DELAY LIFE ANY LONGER.

IT IS NOW

THAT THE WORLD

MUST BECOME

AND BE ALIVE.

IS THAT TOO IMMENSE

FOR ME TO ABSORB?

I SPEND MY DAYS

CHASING DOLLARS AND POWER-

TO MAKE MYSELF

FEEL MORE REAL-

MORE FORMIDABLE

BUT NO ONE

CAN MAKE ME SIGNIFICANT.

I AM A CANDLE

EASILY BLOWN OUT.

PERHAPS

I AM

A DIVINE ACCIDENT.

WHOSE PURPOSE

IS TO CREATE PURPOSE

NOT TO FIND IT.

TO ARRIVE AT IT

THROUGH MY OWN EFFORT

OR LACK OF IT.

I AM NOBLE

GRAND

LIGHT.

I AM THE WEIGHT

OF EVERYTHING.

ALL FITS INTO

THE HEAD OF A PIN.

GONE IN A FRACTION OF A SECOND.

TIME IS SWALLOWED UP-

GULPED DOWN

LIKE A REFILL AT MCDONALDS.

I AM A DIET COKE

WITH LEMON-

A CHOCOLATE BAR

WITH ALMONDS.

WILL THESE THOUGHTS

EVER LEAVE ME?

WILL I NOT WEAR THEM

AS A GARMENT.

SEE THEM

AS A DISORGANIZED SEA

OF FLOATING

PIECES

OF A PUZZLE.

A PUZZLE

THAT WILL NEVER

BE PUT TOGETHER.

THEREIN LIES THE BEAUTY.

IS THEIR ROOM FOR MYSELF

WITHIN ME?

I CELEBRATE MY PAIN.

IT IS THE LINCHPIN

TO MY VICTORY.

EVERYONE IS A WINNER.

EVERY NAME IS FOREVER.

EVERY SOUND IS ETERNAL

SPEAKS OF PEACE AND LAUGHTER.

IT IS ALL.

IN MY DESPAIR

MY HAPPINESS LIES

HIDDEN IN MY DARKNESS.

WHAT IS THIS BROKEN HEART

I CARRY ON MY SLEEVE?

WHAT IS THIS HEAVINESS

I DRAG AROUND WITH ME?

I WILL NOT CARRY IT

ONE SECOND LONGER.

I SING THE SILENCE.

THE WORDLESS POEM.

I LIVE.

I AM THE LOSER.

I AM THE CHAMPION.

THE CHALLENGER.

THE OPPONENT.

I CANNOT STAND HERE.

STOP AT ONE LOCATION-

NO RESTING ZONE.

ONLY THE DANCE-

ONLY THE FLIGHT-

ONLY THE JOURNEY.

HEAR THOSE SOULS SINGING.

“DO NOT WEEP FOR ME”

CRYING FROM THE HOLOCAUST-

FROM THE CRUSADES-

FROM THE FRENCH REVOLUTION-

FROM THE DAYS OF CAESAR-

FROM THE HILLS OF GALILEE.

ALL THESE LITTLE ONES

SLAUGHTERED

IN THE NAME OF A GOD

WHO IS NOT POSSIBLE.

I THE LIVING

AM THE DEAD.

NO VOICE MISSING.

ALL VOICES ARE HEARD

NO MATTER

HOW FAINTLY-

NONE ARE FORGOTTEN

BY THE ALL.

WHAT WAS THE CAUSE?

WHAT WAS THE WAR?

WHO IS THE ENEMY?

WHO IS THE VICTOR?

SAND PILES UP

EONS PASS.

I DO NOT LEARN

THE LESSONS

WRITTEN

IN EVERY SUNRISE

EVERY EARLY DEMISE-

GOD IT IS BEAUTIFUL.

IT TRANSCENDS.

WHAT GIVES THE

RHYTHM

TO THE DAY?

WHAT MOVES THE RIVER?

OUR RAPID CURRENT

FLOWS ON

LEAVING TRACES AND QUESTIONS.

LITTLE RESOLVE-

LITTLE COMFORT.

WHAT AM I

ON THE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF ME?

BEFORE AND AFTER.

WHAT AM I

THAT HAS BEEN

IN THIS BRIEF SPAN ABOUT?

Stephen John Kalinich

FINDING THE MEANING F EXISTENCE PART 2

BUILDINGS CONSTRUCTED

OUT OF THE ELEMENTS

WEAR DOWN IN TIME

TEMPORARILY STRUNG TOGETHER

OR CEMENTED

LIKE THESE FRAGILE BODIES

WHICH HOUSE OUR SPIRIT.

THEY ARE SUSPENDED IN A

DELICATE BALANCE.

THEY SO EASILY

FALL APART

ESPECIALLY WHEN

CRASHED INTO

OR EXPLODED WITHIN.

WHAT AM I MADE OF

THAT ENDURES?

OR DOES NOTHING ENDURE?

DOES EVEN THIS I

SLIP INTO

ETERNAL OBLIVION?

NEVER REMEMBERING IT

ONCE WAS.

IS ALL FORGETFULNESS?

[ CAN NOT

PRETEND IT DID NOT HAPPEN.

ASPHALT

CONCRETE

PROTOPLASM

MIXED TOGETHER.

TONIGHT JANIE

WILL NOT BE HOME FOR DINNER.

JOHNNY WILL NOT

GO TO WORK.

SUSIE WILL NEVER GET

TO HER DANCE CLASS.

ALL THEIR PLANS

AND FUTURE HOPES

WERE OBLITERATED

IN THAT ONE

INSTANTANEOUS COLLISION.

LIVES TERMINATED.

IT IS UGLY.

IT IS HARD

TO HAVE

A BEAUTIFUL THOUGHT

OR TO SAY

IT IS FOR A REASON-

IT IS FOR NO REASON.

FOR NO LESSON-

IT IS AN ABERRATION

OF THE HUMAN SPIRIT-

AN ABOMINATION-

AN INSANITY-

NOT SOMETHING

TO MAKE ME

STRONGER

OR BETTER.

IT IS THAT WITHIN THE WORLD

THAT I MUST ERADICATE.

THAT WHICH

GROWS OUT OF

THOSE SELVES

THAT CHOOSE

THE PATH

OF VIOLENCE

THAT CAN RESOLVE NO ISSUE.

HOW MANY LIFETIMES

WILL IT TAKE

TO FORGET THE NAZI BASTARDS?

THOSE BODIES

OF BONES

PILED ON TOP

OF ONE ANOTHER.

THE PUTRID SMELL

OF CHARRED FLESH.

YET I MUST GO ON SOMEHOW.

I JUST SIT

WHERE I AM

AND ALL

PASSES ME BYE-

MY FRIENDS

AND RELATIVES GET OLDER

THE HAIR TURNS GRAY-

THE SKIN CRACKS-

LINES OF CHARACTER-

WRINKLES

ARE ETCHED INTO ME

LIKE THE EMOTIONAL

EXPERIENCES OF EVERYDAY

ARE INGRAINED

IN MY HEART.

WHAT CONSTITUTES ME

THAT IS EVER EVOLVING?

OR SO THE MIRAGE

BECOMES LESS REAL.

THE END OF SLEEP

THE WORLD

OUT OF WOMB.

STILL

IN ITS ELEMENTARY STATE.

TRYING TO RISE

IN BEING.

BEYOND THE RAGE

OF THE UNCONTROLLABLE ANIMAL.

THAT ONLY

WANTS ITS WAY.

THAT KILLS

WHEN IT IS DENIED.

I AM JUST AT THE FOOT

OF BEING.

BARELY A BEGINNING.

I THE PRIMAL SAVAGE

HAVE NO IDEA

HOW SHORT

A DISTANCE

I HAVE COME.

HOW FAR I AM

REMOVED

FROM REALITY.

I AM A DILETTANTE..

A DAWDLER

NOT YET SERIOUS

ABOUT THE UNLIMITED KINDNESS

HERE FOR ME

THAT I CAN BECOME.

THAT I DO NOT SENSE.

I AM THE BRUTALITY

THAT COMES OUT OF ME.

I AM THE MURDERER.

THE KILLER OF THE WORD.

I POISON THE ATMOSPHERE

POLLUTE THE ECOLOGICAL

EXTREMITIES.

A SEED PLANTED IN THE SOIL

ONLY GROWS ITS OWN FRUIT.

A CHERRY TREE

DOES NOT PRODUCE A LEMON.

A KINDNESS BRANCH

HAS NO TOUCH OF HATRED

WITHIN IT.

IT IS PURE

UNDEFILED.

I HAVE TO CLEAN IT ALL OUT.

SEARCH AND SCAN

THE DEEP PARTS

OF MY MOTIVES

AND DESIRES-

WEED OUT

ALL THE CRIMINAL

GREEDY

AND INHUMANE REMNANTS.

ALL CORPSES THAT DANCED

STILL GENUFLECT

SWAY FROM

SIDE TO SIDE

WITH MY KISSES

WARM UPON THEM.

A THOUSAND YEARS

IS BUT A SECOND.

THE GALAXIES BEING BORN

THE TWINKLING OF AN EYE.

LIFE AND DEATH

ONE FACE-

ONE ENCOUNTER.

WHAT BECOMES

CAN NEVER NOT BE-

FOR IT ALWAYS IS

SPONTANEOUS –

STARK NAKED-

STRIPPED-

READY TO JUMP

INTO UNCHARTED TERRITORY

THAT HAS NEVER BEEN EXPOSED.

FINDING THE MEANING OF THE UNIVERSE PART 3

I AM THE SAVAGE

MEAT EATER

HUNTER.

I HUDDLE TOGETHER

WITH OTHERS

IN MASSES-

OCCUPY TERRITORY.

I LOVE HOPING FOR THINGS-

PURSUING DREAMS-

CREATING SOMETHING.

SOME IDEA

WHERE BEFORE

THERE WAS NOTHING.

I LOVE THE DAILY PROCESSION.

WAKING UP-

TAKING A SHOWER-

WASHING MY BODY

AND MY HAIR-

CLEANING MY EARS

DELICATELY

WITH A Q TIP-

DRYING MYSELF OFF-

DRESSING-

SHAVING IN THE CAR-

FEELING THE FIRST BREEZE

OF MORNING.

I LOVE IT

COLD AND HOT-

FREEZING AND SWEATING.

I LOVE THE NEXT EVENT.

THE NEXT MOMENT.

WHERE WILL I EAT?

WHAT WILL I EAT?

WILL I COOK AT HOME?

WHAT NEW EXPERIENCE

WILL HAPPEN TO ME?

I WANT IT

FOR ALL TIME.

BUT I KNOW IT

CANNOT BE.

THAT I WILL CEASE.

IT MAKES ME SAD.

IN THE CAVERN

OF MY STOMACH.

IT IS MORE HURTFUL

THAN I CAN BARE.

IN THE PIT OF MY BEING-

THAT ONE DAY

I WILL BE NO MORE.

WHATEVER I BECOME

I WILL NOT BE

WHAT I AM NOW.

I LIKE WHAT

I AM NOW.

I WILL MISS THE SMELLS

AND TASTE

OF THIS EARTHLY REALM.

I WILL MISS THE SADNESS-

THE SMELL OF YOUR BODY-

YOUR MOISTNESS

WHEN YOU WANT ME.

EVEN THOUGH

I DO NOT KNOW

WHO YOU ARE

OR IF YOU ARE.

YOU ARE THE ONE

I HAVE ALWAYS

FANATICIZED ABOUT.

I WILL MISS

THE LITTLE OVER COMINGS-

THE TINY TRIUMPHS.

THE TRYING

TO DO AND BE BETTER.

WHEN I TRANSFORM-

WHEN I CHANGE-

WILL I EVER

KNOW THAT I WAS HERE?

THAT I WROTE THIS NOTE

UPON THIS PAPER?

TO LOVERS EVERY WHERE

AND TO PEOPLE

WHO ARE SOLITARY

SOLOIST

IN SOME GRAND

ELOQUENT ORCHESTRA.

WILL EVERY

TRACE OF ME

VANISH FOREVER?

WILL A LITTLE REMAIN?

SOMEWHERE IN THE FACE

OF SOMEONE’S LIFE

THAT I HAVE TOUCHED-

MADE QUIVER

UNDERNEATH THE COVERS?

WILL I BE THE ICICLE

UPON THE ROOF

OUTSIDE THE BEDROOM WINDOW?

DOES IT ALL MATTER?

DOES EVERYTHING MERGE?

DOES EVERYTHING

BECOME EVERYTHING?

DO WE CRISSCROSS

IN THE UNIVERSE?

DO WE ALL

INTERSECT

EACH OTHER?

ARE WE ALL PARTS

OF ONE PULSATION-

DEAD OR ALIVE?

ONE REALITY.

THAT KNOWS NO DIFFERENCE?

ONLY ITS OWN VASTNESS.

THAT DOES NOT KNOW SORROW

OR INTENSE PAIN.

THAT ONLY KNOWS BLISS.

WILL IT BE BORING?

WILL THERE BE

NO MORE TEARS?

THE PLANES FLY

IN AND OUT

LIKE THE DEPARTING SOUL

LEAVING THIS EARTH

FOR SOMEWHERE ELSE.

LIKE ARRIVING HELPLESS BABIES.

GOD IT IS AWESOME.

JUST THE RUSH OF IT.

THE THRILL

AND EXCITEMENT

MAKES MY BLOOD

BOIL AND RACE.

THE JOURNEY OF MY SOUL

OF ALL SOULS.

IS THIS JUST

THE TRAIN STATION?

THE AIRPORT?

THE SPACE LAUNCHING

BETWEEN

TWO DESTINATIONS.

IS THIS THING

WE CALL LIFE

A PLACE TO TRANSFER

TO OUR NEXT WHATEVER?

PERHAPS IT IS NOT EVEN A STOP

BUT A STAND

ON THE SIDE

OF A GALACTIC ROAD-

A DRIVE THROUGH

FAST LIFE COURSE.

WHERE ONLY A GLIMPSE

OF THE GLORY

EVEN REACHES OUT.

WE COULD NOT TAKE MUCH MORE.

THE POSSIBILITIES ARE STAGGERING.

LIFE BOUNDLESS-

EVERY WHERE

THROUGHOUT

ALL GALAXIES AND UNIVERSES

WITHIN US

AND WITHOUT-

NEVER ENDING-

NEVER ARRIVING-

NEVER BEGINNING.

QUEST TO QUEST.

SEAPORT OF THE SOUL.

WATER AND AIR

DANCE TOGETHER

UNITE

TURN INTO A FIRE.

AM I JUST

A TRIBUTARY

IN A RIVER?

A POND IN A FIELD

THAT IS SO

INFINITESIMAL-

YET SOMEHOW IT FITS-

IF IT DOES NOT EXIST-

ALL FALLS INTO PIECES-

SHATTERS LIKE

A BROKEN CHINA CUP.

THERE ARE SWEETS

BEYOND THE PALATE

OF THESE LIMITED

TASTE BUDS.

EXCITEMENTS BEYOND

THE BODY WANTING TO MERGE

OUT OF ITSELF

INTO ANOTHER.

I AM A BEGGAR.

WE ARE BEGGARS

AT THE SWAMP.

I MAY NOT

EVEN BE FACING THE LIGHT.

BUT I AM TURNING.

DO YOU SEE IT

WRITTEN ALL AROUND YOU-

ON EVERY STREET CORNER-

IN EVERY BLOCK

OF CEMENT-

WRITTEN IN EVERY

COLORED BLUE SKY POSSIBLE.

COLORED THROUGH THE AIR-

BREATHED INTO LUNGS-

THE BREATH OF LOVE

OF SPIRIT.

I HAVE SEEN NOTHING YET-

HEARD NOTHING-

DO NOT EVEN KNOW

WHAT BEAUTY IS.

THIS WHOLE LIFE

IS BUT A TEASE.

FOR THERE IS

SO MUCH MORE

THAT LIES UNDER

THESE FEELINGS

THAT I AM TRYING

TO EXPRESS TO YOU.

I WANT IT

TO EXPLODE OUT OF MY HEART

AND COME ALIVE IN YOU.

BECAUSE IT IS YOU.

IT IS EVERYONE’S RIGHT AND REALITY

TO LIVE THIS EPIPHANY.

THIS SWEETNESS

THAT DEFIES DESCRIPTION-

THAT CANNOT BE

PUT INTO A FORM

A SHAPE

A TANGIBILITY.

IT IS ETERNAL LIFE

THE MEANING OF EXISTENCE-

THE ALL-

TYPHOON-

EARTHQUAKE-

HURRICANE

GALACTIC SEIZURE AND STORM.

YOUR DEATH

WILL BECOME LIFE.

A FLOWER WILL GROW

IN YOUR HEART-

A TREE

WILL SPRING FORTH

THAT BLOOMS

ALL YEAR ROUND.

THAT PRODUCES A FRUIT

ONE IS NOT ABLE TO EXPLAIN.

ONE BITE-

A LITTLE ON THE TONGUE-

A TASTE OF WELLNESS-

WHERE NO LACK

OR DISEASE

NO MEDICINE

OR PAIN

CAN ENTER.

THE UNION

OF ALL UNIONS.

THE MERGING-

ALL THE FORCES

COLLIDING AT ONCE

TURNING INTO LOVE-

LOVINGNESS-

THE IDEA

WILL COME OT

THAT WILL STOP THE KILLING-

THE HATRED-

THE WAR-

THE FEELING OF SUPERIORITY.

ALL FIELDS WILL BE LEVELED.

ALL EVIL WILL

BE BROUGHT

TO ITS KNEES.

ITS HEAD WILL BE STUCK

INTO THE DIRT

UNTIL IT REALIZES

IT IS HELPLESS

AGAINST THE MASSIVE GOODNESS-

THIS LOVE KINDNESS

THAT IS ALL PERVASIVE-

THAT COVERS

EVERY POSSIBILITY

AND OCCURRENCE.

IT POUNDS INTO ME-

IT BEATS ME-

IT NAILS ME

TO THE WALL.

IT OVERTAKES ME

UNTIL I FEEL ITS GRACE-

UNTIL I REALIZE

THERE IS NO RESISTANCE

TO LOVE

OTHER THAN THE ONE

I PUT UP TO IT.

LOVE IS NEVER

IN THE WAY-

ONLY I

AM IN MY OWN WAY.

I KNOW THERE ARE ANGELS

WHIRLING THROUGH THE TREES-

WHISPERING

THE MEANING OF EXISTENCE.

4/23/02?

4/21/02

ON FINDING THE MEANING OF EXISTENCE

Stephen John Kalinich

ALL BATTLES HAVE BEEN FOUGHT

THE WATERS OF THE OCEAN

BECOME BLOOD

RISE UP OUT OF THEIR WETNESS

EVAPORATE.

THE CENTURIES MOW DOWN

THE HUMBLE

THE MEEK

THE PROUD AND THE STRONG

ALL BECOME ONE

IN THIS MIGHTY BATH

WHERE NOTHING IS WHAT IT SEEMS.

WHERE WHAT IS-

IS NOT.

DO YOU CATCH AN ECHO

OF THE MARVELOUS

THE GRAND ELOQUENT

IN YOUR VEINS

IN THE PART OF YOU

THAT NO LONGER

NEEDS TO CARE

ABOUT SECURITY

OR MATTERS

OF THE EARTH.

DOES GOD

HEAR ME CRYING?

DOES SHE CARE?

I WHO AM

SO INSIGNIFICANT.

A TINY SPECK

IN THE VAST ARRAY

OF POSSIBILITIES.

BEAUTY IS

THE UNKNOWN COMPANION

WHO IS ALWAYS

JUST BEYOND MY REACH.

THAT WHICH MY VISION CATCHES

BUT MY HEART AND HANDS CANNOT.

BEAUTY THE ONE WHO ESCAPES ME.

A TEASE.

THAT WHICH

I NEVER ATTAIN.

ITS PROMISE

IS ONE THAT CANNOT

BE FULFILLED

AND ONCE APPARENTLY REALIZED

IMMEDIATELY DISSOLVES

INTO THE MEDIOCRE.

IT IS A PASSION

THAT DOES NOT REMAIN CONSTANT.

IT APPEARS

DISAPPEARS

LEAVES MY HEART OPEN

VULNERABLE.

IS THERE A PRESENCE

THAT IS CONCERNED

ABOUT ME

IN THE UNIVERSE?

A PERSON

WHO WANTS TO HELP-

TO HEAL?

IS THERE A FORCE

THAT EVEN KNOWS

IF I EXIST.

SO RATHER THAN FLY

INTO HOPES

OPEN ARMS

I RELINQUISH ALL.

I EXPECT NOTHING.

I AM GRATEFUL

FOR EVERYTHING.

BECAUSE

MOST OF THE GOOD THINGS

PASS ME BYE.

SECURITY IS A ROBBER

BECAUSE

IT IS

AN IMPOSSIBILITY-

AN ILLUSION.

A METEORITE

CAN DASH OUT THE SKY

AND CRUSH ME.

BLOT ME OUT

IN AN INSTANT.

IS THERE ANY BACK DOOR?

ANY PLACE TO GO

FOR COMFORT

OR HELP?

OR IS MY LOT

THAT OF A SOUL

LOST FROM CONCEPTION?

ALL THIS

THAT COMES FLYING AT ME

EVERY DAY.

THIS BOMBARDMENT

THAT NEVER SLOWS

OR COMES TO A SCREECHING HALT.

THESE WINDS

TIMES

AND TURMOIL’S.

THESE COLDS

AND STUFFED UP NOSES.

FRESHLY LIT

WITH WHITE POWDER.

THESE IMAX IMAGES

IN OUTER SPACE.

THIS MUSIC

THAT SO SELDOM PLAYS.

THERE IS MOSTLY

THE LONELY-

THE QUIET-

THE DARK-

THE SOUNDLESS

WITH A FEW SPLASHES

OF MOVEMENT

AGAINST A PULSAR OF NOTHINGNESS.

STARLESS INFINITIES

OF GALACTIC DUST.

TIME CREEPS ONWARD

OR SO IT SEEMS

ERASING ALL OF US.

WE WHO WERE

AND ARE

DISSOLVE

ARE NO MORE-

NOT EVEN MEMORY.

WE WHO WERE SO CERTAIN

SO SURE.

IS LOVE AN ASSAULT?

IS LOVE THE ULTIMATE

DELUSION?

THE IMPOSSIBLE

THAT WE SEARCH FOR

BUT NEVER GRASP?

IS LOVE THE PROMISE

OF WHAT

CAN NEVER LAST?

ALL THINGS FADE IN TIME

AND DISINTEGRATE-

IF THERE IS SUCH A THING AS TIME.

WHAT IS LEFT

TO REFORMULATE A WORLD?

THROW YOURSELF

INTO THE NIGHT

DANCE WITH SOLAR SYSTEM.

YOU WHO HEAD

FOR NO DESTINATION-

YOU WHO SPIRAL

OUT OF CONTROL

AS ALL THE MATTER

FLIES OUT OFF OF YOU

AND YOU LIE NAKED

EXPOSED.

WHERE DO YOU EXIST?

WHERE DO YOU OCCUPY VOLUME

DEPTH

DIMENSION?

WHERE DOES BLOOD

ENTER YOU?

OR DO YOU COME

EQUIPPED WITH IT?

BEFORE ME

ALL IS DARKNESS

AFTER ME THERE IS

NO IDENTITY

NO DISTINGUISHING MARK-

NO TRACE OF MOLECULE

OR MICROBE.

I CAN KNOW

NO ONE BETTER

THAN MY SELF

THAT HANGS

ON THE BORDER-

ON THE EDGE

OR PRECIPICE

OF I

I I.

WHEN I LOVE

I LOVE

THAT PART

OF THE SELF

THAT AROUSES

WITHIN ME.

HOW IT MAKES ME FEEL

MORE ALIVE

AND AWAKE

THAN THE OTHER-

THAN THE LURKING ONE

IN THE SHADOW.

I AM ALONE.

WE ARE ALL ALONE.

YOU KNOW IT.

ALL ELSE IS PERCEPTION.

THAT IS THE RIDDLE

OF THE UNIVERSE.

ALL THAT APPEARS

TO BE IS NOT.

MY CONSCIOUSNESS

CONTRIBUTES AND CONSTRUCTS

ALL COLORS-

ALL SMELLS-

ALL SOUNDS.

SOUND IS THE VIBRATION

WITHIN ME

COLOR IS A MAP

THAT SINGS

ITS OWN SONG-

MAKES ITS OWN MELODY.

ALL THAT I AM

VANISHES.

ALL MOMENTS EXIST SIMULTANEOUSLY.

TIME IS A WAY

TO VIEW LIFE.

A BREAKING DOWN OF ETERNITY

INTO ACCEPTABLE CHUNKS.

I AM NOT WHAT I THINK I AM.

YOU ARE NOT

WHAT YOU THINK YOU ARE.

I AM MY OWN ANSWER.

I AM MY OWN LIVES WORK.

THE PAINTER

AND SCULPTOR

OF MY SOUL.

I WEAR MANY MASKS-

MANY DISGUISES.

BUT ALL IS I

EXPLODING

AND IMPLODING

FORMING NEW QUASARS

AND THEY ARE ALL ME.

THEY GO ON AND ON

PAST RECONCILIATION-

BEYOND REDEMPTION.

I DO NOT LOOK FOR PEACE

FOR RELEASE-

FOR SALVATION.

FOR ALL

IS MOVING CHAOS.

EVERY SECOND IS A CELEBRATION.

A DANCE

OF THE SYMPATHIES

THAT ARRANGE THEMSELVES

INTO SHAPES AND FORMS

BECOME THINGS-

THE FLIGHT

OF PELICANS

AND CONDORS.

THERE IS NO WAY

TO SPEED UP

THIS JOURNEY.

YET I AM THE NEEDED ARTICULATION.

THE LINK

BETWEEN NOTHINGNESS

AND TIME.

THE GEL

THAT HOLDS

THOUGHTS AND CONSCIOUS

AWAKENING TOGETHER.

I AM ALL THERE IS.

YOU ARE I.

EXPANSIVE

LARGER

IMMEDIATE.

THE WINTER WANTS ME.

THE LEAVES NEED ME.

THE BREEZE

CONVEYS THE MOMENTUM

OF MY SILENCE.

I AM STILLNESS

THAT LIVES

THROUGH EVERYTHING.

ALL EXISTS FOR ME.

THAT IS THE MEANING.

THE DESTINY.

THE PURPOSE

OF THE PAIN

OF EVERY WOUND AND HURT.

I AM THAT WOUNDED CHILD

ON THE STREET.

I AM THE HUNGRY REFUGEE.

I DIED ON SEPTEMBER 11th.

I WHO AM ALIVE NOW

FIND THE DEAD WITHIN MYSELF.

ALL THE HEARTS

THAT HAVE STOPPED BEATING.

THEIR PULSE

IS NOT ONLY HEARABLE

AND FEELABLE

BUT IT WAS NOT TAKEN AWAY

BUT ONLY UNABLE

TO RECOGNIZE

ITS ASSEMBLAGE.

ITS EVAPORATION

INTO THE ELEMENTS-

THE BUILDING BLOCKS

OF WHAT IS CALLED CREATION

WHICH IS ESSENTIALLY

REARRANGEMENT OF WHAT IS.

MAKING THE INVISIBLE VISIBLE.

WHAT IS NOT

INTO WHAT IS

THAT BECOMES

WHAT IS NOT

AND NOT KNOW

IT IS SOMETHING

OR A VOID.

I MOURN THE LOSS

I REDEDICATE

TO THE CONVICTION.

GOOD WILL RISE AGAIN

LIFE WILL NOT BE ANNIHILATED.

THESE VOICES THAT CRY

FROM BUILDINGS

ARE ALL CRYING OUT

TO ME.

I AM TOO WRAPPED UP

IN THE BELIEF

I AM GOING SOMEWHERE.

THAT I AM DOING SOMETHING.

THAT I HAVE

A DESTINATION

OR A GOAL.

WHEN I SHOULD JUST STOP COLD-

DEAD IN MY OWN FOOTPRINTS.

WHERE AM I ANYWAY?

I STAND IN TRUTH.

ALL MOVEMENT IS DECEPTION.

A BLANKET

STUFFED OVER

AN EMPTINESS.

THERE IS NOTHING

BEYOND

WHAT I SEE-

BEYOND WHAT IS HERE.

I HAVE TO SEE IT

CORRECTLY.

THIS NOW

IS WHAT I MUST EXPERIENCE.

IT IS ITS OWN MEANING.

THIS IS WHAT IS GRASPABLE.

ALL ELSE IS FUTILE.

THE WOUNDS OF CHANGE

RUSTLE THE AMBIGUITIES

REFRESH OLD WOUNDS

MAKE THEM RIPE

FOR HEALING.

THERE IS NO CRESCENDO

NO DENOUEMENT.

IT IS ALL NOW.

I CANNOT

DELAY LIFE ANY LONGER.

IT IS NOW

THAT THE WORLD

MUST BECOME

AND BE ALIVE.

IS THAT TOO IMMENSE

FOR ME TO ABSORB?

I SPEND MY DAYS

CHASING DOLLARS AND POWER-

TO MAKE MYSELF

FEEL MORE REAL-

MORE FORMIDABLE

BUT NO ONE

CAN MAKE ME SIGNIFICANT.

I AM A CANDLE

EASILY BLOWN OUT.

PERHAPS

I AM

A DIVINE ACCIDENT.

WHOSE PURPOSE

IS TO CREATE PURPOSE

NOT TO FIND IT.

TO ARRIVE AT IT

THROUGH MY OWN EFFORT

OR LACK OF IT.

I AM NOBLE

GRAND

LIGHT.

I AM THE WEIGHT

OF EVERYTHING.

ALL FITS INTO

THE HEAD OF A PIN.

GONE IN A FRACTION OF A SECOND.

TIME IS SWALLOWED UP-

GULPED DOWN

LIKE A REFILL AT MCDONALDS.

I AM A DIET COKE

WITH LEMON-

A CHOCOLATE BAR

WITH ALMONDS.

WILL THESE THOUGHTS

EVER LEAVE ME?

WILL I NOT WEAR THEM

AS A GARMENT.

SEE THEM

AS A DISORGANIZED SEA

OF FLOATING

PIECES

OF A PUZZLE.

A PUZZLE

THAT WILL NEVER

BE PUT TOGETHER.

THEREIN LIES THE BEAUTY.

IS THEIR ROOM FOR MYSELF

WITHIN ME?

I CELEBRATE MY PAIN.

IT IS THE LINCHPIN

TO MY VICTORY.

EVERYONE IS A WINNER.

EVERY NAME IS FOREVER.

EVERY SOUND IS ETERNAL

SPEAKS OF PEACE AND LAUGHTER.

IT IS ALL.

IN MY DESPAIR

MY HAPPINESS LIES

HIDDEN IN MY DARKNESS.

WHAT IS THIS BROKEN HEART

I CARRY ON MY SLEEVE?

WHAT IS THIS HEAVINESS

I DRAG AROUND WITH ME?

I WILL NOT CARRY IT

ONE SECOND LONGER.

I SING THE SILENCE.

THE WORDLESS POEM.

I LIVE.

I AM THE LOSER.

I AM THE CHAMPION.

THE CHALLENGER.

THE OPPONENT.

I CANNOT STAND HERE.

STOP AT ONE LOCATION-

NO RESTING ZONE.

ONLY THE DANCE-

ONLY THE FLIGHT-

ONLY THE JOURNEY.

HEAR THOSE SOULS SINGING.

“DO NOT WEEP FOR ME”

CRYING FROM THE HOLOCAUST-

FROM THE CRUSADES-

FROM THE FRENCH REVOLUTION-

FROM THE DAYS OF CAESAR-

FROM THE HILLS OF GALILEE.

ALL THESE LITTLE ONES

SLAUGHTERED

IN THE NAME OF A GOD

WHO IS NOT POSSIBLE.

I THE LIVING

AM THE DEAD.

NO VOICE MISSING.

ALL VOICES ARE HEARD

NO MATTER

HOW FAINTLY-

NONE ARE FORGOTTEN

BY THE ALL.

WHAT WAS THE CAUSE?

WHAT WAS THE WAR?

WHO IS THE ENEMY?

WHO IS THE VICTOR?

SAND PILES UP

EONS PASS.

I DO NOT LEARN

THE LESSONS

WRITTEN

IN EVERY SUNRISE

EVERY EARLY DEMISE-

GOD IT IS BEAUTIFUL.

IT TRANSCENDS.

WHAT GIVES THE

RHYTHM

TO THE DAY?

WHAT MOVES THE RIVER?

OUR RAPID CURRENT

FLOWS ON

LEAVING TRACES AND QUESTIONS.

LITTLE RESOLVE-

LITTLE COMFORT.

WHAT AM I

ON THE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF ME?

BEFORE AND AFTER.

WHAT AM I

THAT HAS BEEN

IN THIS BRIEF SPAN ABOUT?

Stephen John Kalinich

FINDING THE MEANING F EXISTENCE PART 2

BUILDINGS CONSTRUCTED

OUT OF THE ELEMENTS

WEAR DOWN IN TIME

TEMPORARILY STRUNG TOGETHER

OR CEMENTED

LIKE THESE FRAGILE BODIES

WHICH HOUSE OUR SPIRIT.

THEY ARE SUSPENDED IN A

DELICATE BALANCE.

THEY SO EASILY

FALL APART

ESPECIALLY WHEN

CRASHED INTO

OR EXPLODED WITHIN.

WHAT AM I MADE OF

THAT ENDURES?

OR DOES NOTHING ENDURE?

DOES EVEN THIS I

SLIP INTO

ETERNAL OBLIVION?

NEVER REMEMBERING IT

ONCE WAS.

IS ALL FORGETFULNESS?

[ CAN NOT

PRETEND IT DID NOT HAPPEN.

ASPHALT

CONCRETE

PROTOPLASM

MIXED TOGETHER.

TONIGHT JANIE

WILL NOT BE HOME FOR DINNER.

JOHNNY WILL NOT

GO TO WORK.

SUSIE WILL NEVER GET

TO HER DANCE CLASS.

ALL THEIR PLANS

AND FUTURE HOPES

WERE OBLITERATED

IN THAT ONE

INSTANTANEOUS COLLISION.

LIVES TERMINATED.

IT IS UGLY.

IT IS HARD

TO HAVE

A BEAUTIFUL THOUGHT

OR TO SAY

IT IS FOR A REASON-

IT IS FOR NO REASON.

FOR NO LESSON-

IT IS AN ABERRATION

OF THE HUMAN SPIRIT-

AN ABOMINATION-

AN INSANITY-

NOT SOMETHING

TO MAKE ME

STRONGER

OR BETTER.

IT IS THAT WITHIN THE WORLD

THAT I MUST ERADICATE.

THAT WHICH

GROWS OUT OF

THOSE SELVES

THAT CHOOSE

THE PATH

OF VIOLENCE

THAT CAN RESOLVE NO ISSUE.

HOW MANY LIFETIMES

WILL IT TAKE

TO FORGET THE NAZI BASTARDS?

THOSE BODIES

OF BONES

PILED ON TOP

OF ONE ANOTHER.

THE PUTRID SMELL

OF CHARRED FLESH.

YET I MUST GO ON SOMEHOW.

I JUST SIT

WHERE I AM

AND ALL

PASSES ME BYE-

MY FRIENDS

AND RELATIVES GET OLDER

THE HAIR TURNS GRAY-

THE SKIN CRACKS-

LINES OF CHARACTER-

WRINKLES

ARE ETCHED INTO ME

LIKE THE EMOTIONAL

EXPERIENCES OF EVERYDAY

ARE INGRAINED

IN MY HEART.

WHAT CONSTITUTES ME

THAT IS EVER EVOLVING?

OR SO THE MIRAGE

BECOMES LESS REAL.

THE END OF SLEEP

THE WORLD

OUT OF WOMB.

STILL

IN ITS ELEMENTARY STATE.

TRYING TO RISE

IN BEING.

BEYOND THE RAGE

OF THE UNCONTROLLABLE ANIMAL.

THAT ONLY

WANTS ITS WAY.

THAT KILLS

WHEN IT IS DENIED.

I AM JUST AT THE FOOT

OF BEING.

BARELY A BEGINNING.

I THE PRIMAL SAVAGE

HAVE NO IDEA

HOW SHORT

A DISTANCE

I HAVE COME.

HOW FAR I AM

REMOVED

FROM REALITY.

I AM A DILETTANTE..

A DAWDLER

NOT YET SERIOUS

ABOUT THE UNLIMITED KINDNESS

HERE FOR ME

THAT I CAN BECOME.

THAT I DO NOT SENSE.

I AM THE BRUTALITY

THAT COMES OUT OF ME.

I AM THE MURDERER.

THE KILLER OF THE WORD.

I POISON THE ATMOSPHERE

POLLUTE THE ECOLOGICAL

EXTREMITIES.

A SEED PLANTED IN THE SOIL

ONLY GROWS ITS OWN FRUIT.

A CHERRY TREE

DOES NOT PRODUCE A LEMON.

A KINDNESS BRANCH

HAS NO TOUCH OF HATRED

WITHIN IT.

IT IS PURE

UNDEFILED.

I HAVE TO CLEAN IT ALL OUT.

SEARCH AND SCAN

THE DEEP PARTS

OF MY MOTIVES

AND DESIRES-

WEED OUT

ALL THE CRIMINAL

GREEDY

AND INHUMANE REMNANTS.

ALL CORPSES THAT DANCED

STILL GENUFLECT

SWAY FROM

SIDE TO SIDE

WITH MY KISSES

WARM UPON THEM.

A THOUSAND YEARS

IS BUT A SECOND.

THE GALAXIES BEING BORN

THE TWINKLING OF AN EYE.

LIFE AND DEATH

ONE FACE-

ONE ENCOUNTER.

WHAT BECOMES

CAN NEVER NOT BE-

FOR IT ALWAYS IS

SPONTANEOUS –

STARK NAKED-

STRIPPED-

READY TO JUMP

INTO UNCHARTED TERRITORY

THAT HAS NEVER BEEN EXPOSED.

FINDING THE MEANING OF THE UNIVERSE PART 3

I AM THE SAVAGE

MEAT EATER

HUNTER.

I HUDDLE TOGETHER

WITH OTHERS

IN MASSES-

OCCUPY TERRITORY.

I LOVE HOPING FOR THINGS-

PURSUING DREAMS-

CREATING SOMETHING.

SOME IDEA

WHERE BEFORE

THERE WAS NOTHING.

I LOVE THE DAILY PROCESSION.

WAKING UP-

TAKING A SHOWER-

WASHING MY BODY

AND MY HAIR-

CLEANING MY EARS

DELICATELY

WITH A Q TIP-

DRYING MYSELF OFF-

DRESSING-

SHAVING IN THE CAR-

FEELING THE FIRST BREEZE

OF MORNING.

I LOVE IT

COLD AND HOT-

FREEZING AND SWEATING.

I LOVE THE NEXT EVENT.

THE NEXT MOMENT.

WHERE WILL I EAT?

WHAT WILL I EAT?

WILL I COOK AT HOME?

WHAT NEW EXPERIENCE

WILL HAPPEN TO ME?

I WANT IT

FOR ALL TIME.

BUT I KNOW IT

CANNOT BE.

THAT I WILL CEASE.

IT MAKES ME SAD.

IN THE CAVERN

OF MY STOMACH.

IT IS MORE HURTFUL

THAN I CAN BARE.

IN THE PIT OF MY BEING-

THAT ONE DAY

I WILL BE NO MORE.

WHATEVER I BECOME

I WILL NOT BE

WHAT I AM NOW.

I LIKE WHAT

I AM NOW.

I WILL MISS THE SMELLS

AND TASTE

OF THIS EARTHLY REALM.

I WILL MISS THE SADNESS-

THE SMELL OF YOUR BODY-

YOUR MOISTNESS

WHEN YOU WANT ME.

EVEN THOUGH

I DO NOT KNOW

WHO YOU ARE

OR IF YOU ARE.

YOU ARE THE ONE

I HAVE ALWAYS

FANATICIZED ABOUT.

I WILL MISS

THE LITTLE OVER COMINGS-

THE TINY TRIUMPHS.

THE TRYING

TO DO AND BE BETTER.

WHEN I TRANSFORM-

WHEN I CHANGE-

WILL I EVER

KNOW THAT I WAS HERE?

THAT I WROTE THIS NOTE

UPON THIS PAPER?

TO LOVERS EVERY WHERE

AND TO PEOPLE

WHO ARE SOLITARY

SOLOIST

IN SOME GRAND

ELOQUENT ORCHESTRA.

WILL EVERY

TRACE OF ME

VANISH FOREVER?

WILL A LITTLE REMAIN?

SOMEWHERE IN THE FACE

OF SOMEONE’S LIFE

THAT I HAVE TOUCHED-

MADE QUIVER

UNDERNEATH THE COVERS?

WILL I BE THE ICICLE

UPON THE ROOF

OUTSIDE THE BEDROOM WINDOW?

DOES IT ALL MATTER?

DOES EVERYTHING MERGE?

DOES EVERYTHING

BECOME EVERYTHING?

DO WE CRISSCROSS

IN THE UNIVERSE?

DO WE ALL

INTERSECT

EACH OTHER?

ARE WE ALL PARTS

OF ONE PULSATION-

DEAD OR ALIVE?

ONE REALITY.

THAT KNOWS NO DIFFERENCE?

ONLY ITS OWN VASTNESS.

THAT DOES NOT KNOW SORROW

OR INTENSE PAIN.

THAT ONLY KNOWS BLISS.

WILL IT BE BORING?

WILL THERE BE

NO MORE TEARS?

THE PLANES FLY

IN AND OUT

LIKE THE DEPARTING SOUL

LEAVING THIS EARTH

FOR SOMEWHERE ELSE.

LIKE ARRIVING HELPLESS BABIES.

GOD IT IS AWESOME.

JUST THE RUSH OF IT.

THE THRILL

AND EXCITEMENT

MAKES MY BLOOD

BOIL AND RACE.

THE JOURNEY OF MY SOUL

OF ALL SOULS.

IS THIS JUST

THE TRAIN STATION?

THE AIRPORT?

THE SPACE LAUNCHING

BETWEEN

TWO DESTINATIONS.

IS THIS THING

WE CALL LIFE

A PLACE TO TRANSFER

TO OUR NEXT WHATEVER?

PERHAPS IT IS NOT EVEN A STOP

BUT A STAND

ON THE SIDE

OF A GALACTIC ROAD-

A DRIVE THROUGH

FAST LIFE COURSE.

WHERE ONLY A GLIMPSE

OF THE GLORY

EVEN REACHES OUT.

WE COULD NOT TAKE MUCH MORE.

THE POSSIBILITIES ARE STAGGERING.

LIFE BOUNDLESS-

EVERY WHERE

THROUGHOUT

ALL GALAXIES AND UNIVERSES

WITHIN US

AND WITHOUT-

NEVER ENDING-

NEVER ARRIVING-

NEVER BEGINNING.

QUEST TO QUEST.

SEAPORT OF THE SOUL.

WATER AND AIR

DANCE TOGETHER

UNITE

TURN INTO A FIRE.

AM I JUST

A TRIBUTARY

IN A RIVER?

A POND IN A FIELD

THAT IS SO

INFINITESIMAL-

YET SOMEHOW IT FITS-

IF IT DOES NOT EXIST-

ALL FALLS INTO PIECES-

SHATTERS LIKE

A BROKEN CHINA CUP.

THERE ARE SWEETS

BEYOND THE PALATE

OF THESE LIMITED

TASTE BUDS.

EXCITEMENTS BEYOND

THE BODY WANTING TO MERGE

OUT OF ITSELF

INTO ANOTHER.

I AM A BEGGAR.

WE ARE BEGGARS

AT THE SWAMP.

I MAY NOT

EVEN BE FACING THE LIGHT.

BUT I AM TURNING.

DO YOU SEE IT

WRITTEN ALL AROUND YOU-

ON EVERY STREET CORNER-

IN EVERY BLOCK

OF CEMENT-

WRITTEN IN EVERY

COLORED BLUE SKY POSSIBLE.

COLORED THROUGH THE AIR-

BREATHED INTO LUNGS-

THE BREATH OF LOVE

OF SPIRIT.

I HAVE SEEN NOTHING YET-

HEARD NOTHING-

DO NOT EVEN KNOW

WHAT BEAUTY IS.

THIS WHOLE LIFE

IS BUT A TEASE.

FOR THERE IS

SO MUCH MORE

THAT LIES UNDER

THESE FEELINGS

THAT I AM TRYING

TO EXPRESS TO YOU.

I WANT IT

TO EXPLODE OUT OF MY HEART

AND COME ALIVE IN YOU.

BECAUSE IT IS YOU.

IT IS EVERYONE’S RIGHT AND REALITY

TO LIVE THIS EPIPHANY.

THIS SWEETNESS

THAT DEFIES DESCRIPTION-

THAT CANNOT BE

PUT INTO A FORM

A SHAPE

A TANGIBILITY.

IT IS ETERNAL LIFE

THE MEANING OF EXISTENCE-

THE ALL-

TYPHOON-

EARTHQUAKE-

HURRICANE

GALACTIC SEIZURE AND STORM.

YOUR DEATH

WILL BECOME LIFE.

A FLOWER WILL GROW

IN YOUR HEART-

A TREE

WILL SPRING FORTH

THAT BLOOMS

ALL YEAR ROUND.

THAT PRODUCES A FRUIT

ONE IS NOT ABLE TO EXPLAIN.

ONE BITE-

A LITTLE ON THE TONGUE-

A TASTE OF WELLNESS-

WHERE NO LACK

OR DISEASE

NO MEDICINE

OR PAIN

CAN ENTER.

THE UNION

OF ALL UNIONS.

THE MERGING-

ALL THE FORCES

COLLIDING AT ONCE

TURNING INTO LOVE-

LOVINGNESS-

THE IDEA

WILL COME OT

THAT WILL STOP THE KILLING-

THE HATRED-

THE WAR-

THE FEELING OF SUPERIORITY.

ALL FIELDS WILL BE LEVELED.

ALL EVIL WILL

BE BROUGHT

TO ITS KNEES.

ITS HEAD WILL BE STUCK

INTO THE DIRT

UNTIL IT REALIZES

IT IS HELPLESS

AGAINST THE MASSIVE GOODNESS-

THIS LOVE KINDNESS

THAT IS ALL PERVASIVE-

THAT COVERS

EVERY POSSIBILITY

AND OCCURRENCE.

IT POUNDS INTO ME-

IT BEATS ME-

IT NAILS ME

TO THE WALL.

IT OVERTAKES ME

UNTIL I FEEL ITS GRACE-

UNTIL I REALIZE

THERE IS NO RESISTANCE

TO LOVE

OTHER THAN THE ONE

I PUT UP TO IT.

LOVE IS NEVER

IN THE WAY-

ONLY I

AM IN MY OWN WAY.

I KNOW THERE ARE ANGELS

WHIRLING THROUGH THE TREES-

WHISPERING

THE MEANING OF EXISTENCE.

4/23/02?

4/21/02

ON FINDING THE MEANING OF EXISTENCE

Stephen John Kalinich

ALL BATTLES HAVE BEEN FOUGHT

THE WATERS OF THE OCEAN

BECOME BLOOD

RISE UP OUT OF THEIR WETNESS

EVAPORATE.

THE CENTURIES MOW DOWN

THE HUMBLE

THE MEEK

THE PROUD AND THE STRONG

ALL BECOME ONE

IN THIS MIGHTY BATH

WHERE NOTHING IS WHAT IT SEEMS.

WHERE WHAT IS-

IS NOT.

DO YOU CATCH AN ECHO

OF THE MARVELOUS

THE GRAND ELOQUENT

IN YOUR VEINS

IN THE PART OF YOU

THAT NO LONGER

NEEDS TO CARE

ABOUT SECURITY

OR MATTERS

OF THE EARTH.

DOES GOD

HEAR ME CRYING?

DOES SHE CARE?

I WHO AM

SO INSIGNIFICANT.

A TINY SPECK

IN THE VAST ARRAY

OF POSSIBILITIES.

BEAUTY IS

THE UNKNOWN COMPANION

WHO IS ALWAYS

JUST BEYOND MY REACH.

THAT WHICH MY VISION CATCHES

BUT MY HEART AND HANDS CANNOT.

BEAUTY THE ONE WHO ESCAPES ME.

A TEASE.

THAT WHICH

I NEVER ATTAIN.

ITS PROMISE

IS ONE THAT CANNOT

BE FULFILLED

AND ONCE APPARENTLY REALIZED

IMMEDIATELY DISSOLVES

INTO THE MEDIOCRE.

IT IS A PASSION

THAT DOES NOT REMAIN CONSTANT.

IT APPEARS

DISAPPEARS

LEAVES MY HEART OPEN

VULNERABLE.

IS THERE A PRESENCE

THAT IS CONCERNED

ABOUT ME

IN THE UNIVERSE?

A PERSON

WHO WANTS TO HELP-

TO HEAL?

IS THERE A FORCE

THAT EVEN KNOWS

IF I EXIST.

SO RATHER THAN FLY

INTO HOPES

OPEN ARMS

I RELINQUISH ALL.

I EXPECT NOTHING.

I AM GRATEFUL

FOR EVERYTHING.

BECAUSE

MOST OF THE GOOD THINGS

PASS ME BYE.

SECURITY IS A ROBBER

BECAUSE

IT IS

AN IMPOSSIBILITY-

AN ILLUSION.

A METEORITE

CAN DASH OUT THE SKY

AND CRUSH ME.

BLOT ME OUT

IN AN INSTANT.

IS THERE ANY BACK DOOR?

ANY PLACE TO GO

FOR COMFORT

OR HELP?

OR IS MY LOT

THAT OF A SOUL

LOST FROM CONCEPTION?

ALL THIS

THAT COMES FLYING AT ME

EVERY DAY.

THIS BOMBARDMENT

THAT NEVER SLOWS

OR COMES TO A SCREECHING HALT.

THESE WINDS

TIMES

AND TURMOIL’S.

THESE COLDS

AND STUFFED UP NOSES.

FRESHLY LIT

WITH WHITE POWDER.

THESE IMAX IMAGES

IN OUTER SPACE.

THIS MUSIC

THAT SO SELDOM PLAYS.

THERE IS MOSTLY

THE LONELY-

THE QUIET-

THE DARK-

THE SOUNDLESS

WITH A FEW SPLASHES

OF MOVEMENT

AGAINST A PULSAR OF NOTHINGNESS.

STARLESS INFINITIES

OF GALACTIC DUST.

TIME CREEPS ONWARD

OR SO IT SEEMS

ERASING ALL OF US.

WE WHO WERE

AND ARE

DISSOLVE

ARE NO MORE-

NOT EVEN MEMORY.

WE WHO WERE SO CERTAIN

SO SURE.

IS LOVE AN ASSAULT?

IS LOVE THE ULTIMATE

DELUSION?

THE IMPOSSIBLE

THAT WE SEARCH FOR

BUT NEVER GRASP?

IS LOVE THE PROMISE

OF WHAT

CAN NEVER LAST?

ALL THINGS FADE IN TIME

AND DISINTEGRATE-

IF THERE IS SUCH A THING AS TIME.

WHAT IS LEFT

TO REFORMULATE A WORLD?

THROW YOURSELF

INTO THE NIGHT

DANCE WITH SOLAR SYSTEM.

YOU WHO HEAD

FOR NO DESTINATION-

YOU WHO SPIRAL

OUT OF CONTROL

AS ALL THE MATTER

FLIES OUT OFF OF YOU

AND YOU LIE NAKED

EXPOSED.

WHERE DO YOU EXIST?

WHERE DO YOU OCCUPY VOLUME

DEPTH

DIMENSION?

WHERE DOES BLOOD

ENTER YOU?

OR DO YOU COME

EQUIPPED WITH IT?

BEFORE ME

ALL IS DARKNESS

AFTER ME THERE IS

NO IDENTITY

NO DISTINGUISHING MARK-

NO TRACE OF MOLECULE

OR MICROBE.

I CAN KNOW

NO ONE BETTER

THAN MY SELF

THAT HANGS

ON THE BORDER-

ON THE EDGE

OR PRECIPICE

OF I

I I.

WHEN I LOVE

I LOVE

THAT PART

OF THE SELF

THAT AROUSES

WITHIN ME.

HOW IT MAKES ME FEEL

MORE ALIVE

AND AWAKE

THAN THE OTHER-

THAN THE LURKING ONE

IN THE SHADOW.

I AM ALONE.

WE ARE ALL ALONE.

YOU KNOW IT.

ALL ELSE IS PERCEPTION.

THAT IS THE RIDDLE

OF THE UNIVERSE.

ALL THAT APPEARS

TO BE IS NOT.

MY CONSCIOUSNESS

CONTRIBUTES AND CONSTRUCTS

ALL COLORS-

ALL SMELLS-

ALL SOUNDS.

SOUND IS THE VIBRATION

WITHIN ME

COLOR IS A MAP

THAT SINGS

ITS OWN SONG-

MAKES ITS OWN MELODY.

ALL THAT I AM

VANISHES.

ALL MOMENTS EXIST SIMULTANEOUSLY.

TIME IS A WAY

TO VIEW LIFE.

A BREAKING DOWN OF ETERNITY

INTO ACCEPTABLE CHUNKS.

I AM NOT WHAT I THINK I AM.

YOU ARE NOT

WHAT YOU THINK YOU ARE.

I AM MY OWN ANSWER.

I AM MY OWN LIVES WORK.

THE PAINTER

AND SCULPTOR

OF MY SOUL.

I WEAR MANY MASKS-

MANY DISGUISES.

BUT ALL IS I

EXPLODING

AND IMPLODING

FORMING NEW QUASARS

AND THEY ARE ALL ME.

THEY GO ON AND ON

PAST RECONCILIATION-

BEYOND REDEMPTION.

I DO NOT LOOK FOR PEACE

FOR RELEASE-

FOR SALVATION.

FOR ALL

IS MOVING CHAOS.

EVERY SECOND IS A CELEBRATION.

A DANCE

OF THE SYMPATHIES

THAT ARRANGE THEMSELVES

INTO SHAPES AND FORMS

BECOME THINGS-

THE FLIGHT

OF PELICANS

AND CONDORS.

THERE IS NO WAY

TO SPEED UP

THIS JOURNEY.

YET I AM THE NEEDED ARTICULATION.

THE LINK

BETWEEN NOTHINGNESS

AND TIME.

THE GEL

THAT HOLDS

THOUGHTS AND CONSCIOUS

AWAKENING TOGETHER.

I AM ALL THERE IS.

YOU ARE I.

EXPANSIVE

LARGER

IMMEDIATE.

THE WINTER WANTS ME.

THE LEAVES NEED ME.

THE BREEZE

CONVEYS THE MOMENTUM

OF MY SILENCE.

I AM STILLNESS

THAT LIVES

THROUGH EVERYTHING.

ALL EXISTS FOR ME.

THAT IS THE MEANING.

THE DESTINY.

THE PURPOSE

OF THE PAIN

OF EVERY WOUND AND HURT.

I AM THAT WOUNDED CHILD

ON THE STREET.

I AM THE HUNGRY REFUGEE.

I DIED ON SEPTEMBER 11th.

I WHO AM ALIVE NOW

FIND THE DEAD WITHIN MYSELF.

ALL THE HEARTS

THAT HAVE STOPPED BEATING.

THEIR PULSE

IS NOT ONLY HEARABLE

AND FEELABLE

BUT IT WAS NOT TAKEN AWAY

BUT ONLY UNABLE

TO RECOGNIZE

ITS ASSEMBLAGE.

ITS EVAPORATION

INTO THE ELEMENTS-

THE BUILDING BLOCKS

OF WHAT IS CALLED CREATION

WHICH IS ESSENTIALLY

REARRANGEMENT OF WHAT IS.

MAKING THE INVISIBLE VISIBLE.

WHAT IS NOT

INTO WHAT IS

THAT BECOMES

WHAT IS NOT

AND NOT KNOW

IT IS SOMETHING

OR A VOID.

I MOURN THE LOSS

I REDEDICATE

TO THE CONVICTION.

GOOD WILL RISE AGAIN

LIFE WILL NOT BE ANNIHILATED.

THESE VOICES THAT CRY

FROM BUILDINGS

ARE ALL CRYING OUT

TO ME.

I AM TOO WRAPPED UP

IN THE BELIEF

I AM GOING SOMEWHERE.

THAT I AM DOING SOMETHING.

THAT I HAVE

A DESTINATION

OR A GOAL.

WHEN I SHOULD JUST STOP COLD-

DEAD IN MY OWN FOOTPRINTS.

WHERE AM I ANYWAY?

I STAND IN TRUTH.

ALL MOVEMENT IS DECEPTION.

A BLANKET

STUFFED OVER

AN EMPTINESS.

THERE IS NOTHING

BEYOND

WHAT I SEE-

BEYOND WHAT IS HERE.

I HAVE TO SEE IT

CORRECTLY.

THIS NOW

IS WHAT I MUST EXPERIENCE.

IT IS ITS OWN MEANING.

THIS IS WHAT IS GRASPABLE.

ALL ELSE IS FUTILE.

THE WOUNDS OF CHANGE

RUSTLE THE AMBIGUITIES

REFRESH OLD WOUNDS

MAKE THEM RIPE

FOR HEALING.

THERE IS NO CRESCENDO

NO DENOUEMENT.

IT IS ALL NOW.

I CANNOT

DELAY LIFE ANY LONGER.

IT IS NOW

THAT THE WORLD

MUST BECOME

AND BE ALIVE.

IS THAT TOO IMMENSE

FOR ME TO ABSORB?

I SPEND MY DAYS

CHASING DOLLARS AND POWER-

TO MAKE MYSELF

FEEL MORE REAL-

MORE FORMIDABLE

BUT NO ONE

CAN MAKE ME SIGNIFICANT.

I AM A CANDLE

EASILY BLOWN OUT.

PERHAPS

I AM

A DIVINE ACCIDENT.

WHOSE PURPOSE

IS TO CREATE PURPOSE

NOT TO FIND IT.

TO ARRIVE AT IT

THROUGH MY OWN EFFORT

OR LACK OF IT.

I AM NOBLE

GRAND

LIGHT.

I AM THE WEIGHT

OF EVERYTHING.

ALL FITS INTO

THE HEAD OF A PIN.

GONE IN A FRACTION OF A SECOND.

TIME IS SWALLOWED UP-

GULPED DOWN

LIKE A REFILL AT MCDONALDS.

I AM A DIET COKE

WITH LEMON-

A CHOCOLATE BAR

WITH ALMONDS.

WILL THESE THOUGHTS

EVER LEAVE ME?

WILL I NOT WEAR THEM

AS A GARMENT.

SEE THEM

AS A DISORGANIZED SEA

OF FLOATING

PIECES

OF A PUZZLE.

A PUZZLE

THAT WILL NEVER

BE PUT TOGETHER.

THEREIN LIES THE BEAUTY.

IS THEIR ROOM FOR MYSELF

WITHIN ME?

I CELEBRATE MY PAIN.

IT IS THE LINCHPIN

TO MY VICTORY.

EVERYONE IS A WINNER.

EVERY NAME IS FOREVER.

EVERY SOUND IS ETERNAL

SPEAKS OF PEACE AND LAUGHTER.

IT IS ALL.

IN MY DESPAIR

MY HAPPINESS LIES

HIDDEN IN MY DARKNESS.

WHAT IS THIS BROKEN HEART

I CARRY ON MY SLEEVE?

WHAT IS THIS HEAVINESS

I DRAG AROUND WITH ME?

I WILL NOT CARRY IT

ONE SECOND LONGER.

I SING THE SILENCE.

THE WORDLESS POEM.

I LIVE.

I AM THE LOSER.

I AM THE CHAMPION.

THE CHALLENGER.

THE OPPONENT.

I CANNOT STAND HERE.

STOP AT ONE LOCATION-

NO RESTING ZONE.

ONLY THE DANCE-

ONLY THE FLIGHT-

ONLY THE JOURNEY.

HEAR THOSE SOULS SINGING.

“DO NOT WEEP FOR ME”

CRYING FROM THE HOLOCAUST-

FROM THE CRUSADES-

FROM THE FRENCH REVOLUTION-

FROM THE DAYS OF CAESAR-

FROM THE HILLS OF GALILEE.

ALL THESE LITTLE ONES

SLAUGHTERED

IN THE NAME OF A GOD

WHO IS NOT POSSIBLE.

I THE LIVING

AM THE DEAD.

NO VOICE MISSING.

ALL VOICES ARE HEARD

NO MATTER

HOW FAINTLY-

NONE ARE FORGOTTEN

BY THE ALL.

WHAT WAS THE CAUSE?

WHAT WAS THE WAR?

WHO IS THE ENEMY?

WHO IS THE VICTOR?

SAND PILES UP

EONS PASS.

I DO NOT LEARN

THE LESSONS

WRITTEN

IN EVERY SUNRISE

EVERY EARLY DEMISE-

GOD IT IS BEAUTIFUL.

IT TRANSCENDS.

WHAT GIVES THE

RHYTHM

TO THE DAY?

WHAT MOVES THE RIVER?

OUR RAPID CURRENT

FLOWS ON

LEAVING TRACES AND QUESTIONS.

LITTLE RESOLVE-

LITTLE COMFORT.

WHAT AM I

ON THE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF ME?

BEFORE AND AFTER.

WHAT AM I

THAT HAS BEEN

IN THIS BRIEF SPAN ABOUT?

Stephen John Kalinich

FINDING THE MEANING F EXISTENCE PART 2

BUILDINGS CONSTRUCTED

OUT OF THE ELEMENTS

WEAR DOWN IN TIME

TEMPORARILY STRUNG TOGETHER

OR CEMENTED

LIKE THESE FRAGILE BODIES

WHICH HOUSE OUR SPIRIT.

THEY ARE SUSPENDED IN A

DELICATE BALANCE.

THEY SO EASILY

FALL APART

ESPECIALLY WHEN

CRASHED INTO

OR EXPLODED WITHIN.

WHAT AM I MADE OF

THAT ENDURES?

OR DOES NOTHING ENDURE?

DOES EVEN THIS I

SLIP INTO

ETERNAL OBLIVION?

NEVER REMEMBERING IT

ONCE WAS.

IS ALL FORGETFULNESS?

[ CAN NOT

PRETEND IT DID NOT HAPPEN.

ASPHALT

CONCRETE

PROTOPLASM

MIXED TOGETHER.

TONIGHT JANIE

WILL NOT BE HOME FOR DINNER.

JOHNNY WILL NOT

GO TO WORK.

SUSIE WILL NEVER GET

TO HER DANCE CLASS.

ALL THEIR PLANS

AND FUTURE HOPES

WERE OBLITERATED

IN THAT ONE

INSTANTANEOUS COLLISION.

LIVES TERMINATED.

IT IS UGLY.

IT IS HARD

TO HAVE

A BEAUTIFUL THOUGHT

OR TO SAY

IT IS FOR A REASON-

IT IS FOR NO REASON.

FOR NO LESSON-

IT IS AN ABERRATION

OF THE HUMAN SPIRIT-

AN ABOMINATION-

AN INSANITY-

NOT SOMETHING

TO MAKE ME

STRONGER

OR BETTER.

IT IS THAT WITHIN THE WORLD

THAT I MUST ERADICATE.

THAT WHICH

GROWS OUT OF

THOSE SELVES

THAT CHOOSE

THE PATH

OF VIOLENCE

THAT CAN RESOLVE NO ISSUE.

HOW MANY LIFETIMES

WILL IT TAKE

TO FORGET THE NAZI BASTARDS?

THOSE BODIES

OF BONES

PILED ON TOP

OF ONE ANOTHER.

THE PUTRID SMELL

OF CHARRED FLESH.

YET I MUST GO ON SOMEHOW.

I JUST SIT

WHERE I AM

AND ALL

PASSES ME BYE-

MY FRIENDS

AND RELATIVES GET OLDER

THE HAIR TURNS GRAY-

THE SKIN CRACKS-

LINES OF CHARACTER-

WRINKLES

ARE ETCHED INTO ME

LIKE THE EMOTIONAL

EXPERIENCES OF EVERYDAY

ARE INGRAINED

IN MY HEART.

WHAT CONSTITUTES ME

THAT IS EVER EVOLVING?

OR SO THE MIRAGE

BECOMES LESS REAL.

THE END OF SLEEP

THE WORLD

OUT OF WOMB.

STILL

IN ITS ELEMENTARY STATE.

TRYING TO RISE

IN BEING.

BEYOND THE RAGE

OF THE UNCONTROLLABLE ANIMAL.

THAT ONLY

WANTS ITS WAY.

THAT KILLS

WHEN IT IS DENIED.

I AM JUST AT THE FOOT

OF BEING.

BARELY A BEGINNING.

I THE PRIMAL SAVAGE

HAVE NO IDEA

HOW SHORT

A DISTANCE

I HAVE COME.

HOW FAR I AM

REMOVED

FROM REALITY.

I AM A DILETTANTE..

A DAWDLER

NOT YET SERIOUS

ABOUT THE UNLIMITED KINDNESS

HERE FOR ME

THAT I CAN BECOME.

THAT I DO NOT SENSE.

I AM THE BRUTALITY

THAT COMES OUT OF ME.

I AM THE MURDERER.

THE KILLER OF THE WORD.

I POISON THE ATMOSPHERE

POLLUTE THE ECOLOGICAL

EXTREMITIES.

A SEED PLANTED IN THE SOIL

ONLY GROWS ITS OWN FRUIT.

A CHERRY TREE

DOES NOT PRODUCE A LEMON.

A KINDNESS BRANCH

HAS NO TOUCH OF HATRED

WITHIN IT.

IT IS PURE

UNDEFILED.

I HAVE TO CLEAN IT ALL OUT.

SEARCH AND SCAN

THE DEEP PARTS

OF MY MOTIVES

AND DESIRES-

WEED OUT

ALL THE CRIMINAL

GREEDY

AND INHUMANE REMNANTS.

ALL CORPSES THAT DANCED

STILL GENUFLECT

SWAY FROM

SIDE TO SIDE

WITH MY KISSES

WARM UPON THEM.

A THOUSAND YEARS

IS BUT A SECOND.

THE GALAXIES BEING BORN

THE TWINKLING OF AN EYE.

LIFE AND DEATH

ONE FACE-

ONE ENCOUNTER.

WHAT BECOMES

CAN NEVER NOT BE-

FOR IT ALWAYS IS

SPONTANEOUS –

STARK NAKED-

STRIPPED-

READY TO JUMP

INTO UNCHARTED TERRITORY

THAT HAS NEVER BEEN EXPOSED.

FINDING THE MEANING OF THE UNIVERSE PART 3

I AM THE SAVAGE

MEAT EATER

HUNTER.

I HUDDLE TOGETHER

WITH OTHERS

IN MASSES-

OCCUPY TERRITORY.

I LOVE HOPING FOR THINGS-

PURSUING DREAMS-

CREATING SOMETHING.

SOME IDEA

WHERE BEFORE

THERE WAS NOTHING.

I LOVE THE DAILY PROCESSION.

WAKING UP-

TAKING A SHOWER-

WASHING MY BODY

AND MY HAIR-

CLEANING MY EARS

DELICATELY

WITH A Q TIP-

DRYING MYSELF OFF-

DRESSING-

SHAVING IN THE CAR-

FEELING THE FIRST BREEZE

OF MORNING.

I LOVE IT

COLD AND HOT-

FREEZING AND SWEATING.

I LOVE THE NEXT EVENT.

THE NEXT MOMENT.

WHERE WILL I EAT?

WHAT WILL I EAT?

WILL I COOK AT HOME?

WHAT NEW EXPERIENCE

WILL HAPPEN TO ME?

I WANT IT

FOR ALL TIME.

BUT I KNOW IT

CANNOT BE.

THAT I WILL CEASE.

IT MAKES ME SAD.

IN THE CAVERN

OF MY STOMACH.

IT IS MORE HURTFUL

THAN I CAN BARE.

IN THE PIT OF MY BEING-

THAT ONE DAY

I WILL BE NO MORE.

WHATEVER I BECOME

I WILL NOT BE

WHAT I AM NOW.

I LIKE WHAT

I AM NOW.

I WILL MISS THE SMELLS

AND TASTE

OF THIS EARTHLY REALM.

I WILL MISS THE SADNESS-

THE SMELL OF YOUR BODY-

YOUR MOISTNESS

WHEN YOU WANT ME.

EVEN THOUGH

I DO NOT KNOW

WHO YOU ARE

OR IF YOU ARE.

YOU ARE THE ONE

I HAVE ALWAYS

FANATICIZED ABOUT.

I WILL MISS

THE LITTLE OVER COMINGS-

THE TINY TRIUMPHS.

THE TRYING

TO DO AND BE BETTER.

WHEN I TRANSFORM-

WHEN I CHANGE-

WILL I EVER

KNOW THAT I WAS HERE?

THAT I WROTE THIS NOTE

UPON THIS PAPER?

TO LOVERS EVERY WHERE

AND TO PEOPLE

WHO ARE SOLITARY

SOLOIST

IN SOME GRAND

ELOQUENT ORCHESTRA.

WILL EVERY

TRACE OF ME

VANISH FOREVER?

WILL A LITTLE REMAIN?

SOMEWHERE IN THE FACE

OF SOMEONE’S LIFE

THAT I HAVE TOUCHED-

MADE QUIVER

UNDERNEATH THE COVERS?

WILL I BE THE ICICLE

UPON THE ROOF

OUTSIDE THE BEDROOM WINDOW?

DOES IT ALL MATTER?

DOES EVERYTHING MERGE?

DOES EVERYTHING

BECOME EVERYTHING?

DO WE CRISSCROSS

IN THE UNIVERSE?

DO WE ALL

INTERSECT

EACH OTHER?

ARE WE ALL PARTS

OF ONE PULSATION-

DEAD OR ALIVE?

ONE REALITY.

THAT KNOWS NO DIFFERENCE?

ONLY ITS OWN VASTNESS.

THAT DOES NOT KNOW SORROW

OR INTENSE PAIN.

THAT ONLY KNOWS BLISS.

WILL IT BE BORING?

WILL THERE BE

NO MORE TEARS?

THE PLANES FLY

IN AND OUT

LIKE THE DEPARTING SOUL

LEAVING THIS EARTH

FOR SOMEWHERE ELSE.

LIKE ARRIVING HELPLESS BABIES.

GOD IT IS AWESOME.

JUST THE RUSH OF IT.

THE THRILL

AND EXCITEMENT

MAKES MY BLOOD

BOIL AND RACE.

THE JOURNEY OF MY SOUL

OF ALL SOULS.

IS THIS JUST

THE TRAIN STATION?

THE AIRPORT?

THE SPACE LAUNCHING

BETWEEN

TWO DESTINATIONS.

IS THIS THING

WE CALL LIFE

A PLACE TO TRANSFER

TO OUR NEXT WHATEVER?

PERHAPS IT IS NOT EVEN A STOP

BUT A STAND

ON THE SIDE

OF A GALACTIC ROAD-

A DRIVE THROUGH

FAST LIFE COURSE.

WHERE ONLY A GLIMPSE

OF THE GLORY

EVEN REACHES OUT.

WE COULD NOT TAKE MUCH MORE.

THE POSSIBILITIES ARE STAGGERING.

LIFE BOUNDLESS-

EVERY WHERE

THROUGHOUT

ALL GALAXIES AND UNIVERSES

WITHIN US

AND WITHOUT-

NEVER ENDING-

NEVER ARRIVING-

NEVER BEGINNING.

QUEST TO QUEST.

SEAPORT OF THE SOUL.

WATER AND AIR

DANCE TOGETHER

UNITE

TURN INTO A FIRE.

AM I JUST

A TRIBUTARY

IN A RIVER?

A POND IN A FIELD

THAT IS SO

INFINITESIMAL-

YET SOMEHOW IT FITS-

IF IT DOES NOT EXIST-

ALL FALLS INTO PIECES-

SHATTERS LIKE

A BROKEN CHINA CUP.

THERE ARE SWEETS

BEYOND THE PALATE

OF THESE LIMITED

TASTE BUDS.

EXCITEMENTS BEYOND

THE BODY WANTING TO MERGE

OUT OF ITSELF

INTO ANOTHER.

I AM A BEGGAR.

WE ARE BEGGARS

AT THE SWAMP.

I MAY NOT

EVEN BE FACING THE LIGHT.

BUT I AM TURNING.

DO YOU SEE IT

WRITTEN ALL AROUND YOU-

ON EVERY STREET CORNER-

IN EVERY BLOCK

OF CEMENT-

WRITTEN IN EVERY

COLORED BLUE SKY POSSIBLE.

COLORED THROUGH THE AIR-

BREATHED INTO LUNGS-

THE BREATH OF LOVE

OF SPIRIT.

I HAVE SEEN NOTHING YET-

HEARD NOTHING-

DO NOT EVEN KNOW

WHAT BEAUTY IS.

THIS WHOLE LIFE

IS BUT A TEASE.

FOR THERE IS

SO MUCH MORE

THAT LIES UNDER

THESE FEELINGS

THAT I AM TRYING

TO EXPRESS TO YOU.

I WANT IT

TO EXPLODE OUT OF MY HEART

AND COME ALIVE IN YOU.

BECAUSE IT IS YOU.

IT IS EVERYONE’S RIGHT AND REALITY

TO LIVE THIS EPIPHANY.

THIS SWEETNESS

THAT DEFIES DESCRIPTION-

THAT CANNOT BE

PUT INTO A FORM

A SHAPE

A TANGIBILITY.

IT IS ETERNAL LIFE

THE MEANING OF EXISTENCE-

THE ALL-

TYPHOON-

EARTHQUAKE-

HURRICANE

GALACTIC SEIZURE AND STORM.

YOUR DEATH

WILL BECOME LIFE.

A FLOWER WILL GROW

IN YOUR HEART-

A TREE

WILL SPRING FORTH

THAT BLOOMS

ALL YEAR ROUND.

THAT PRODUCES A FRUIT

ONE IS NOT ABLE TO EXPLAIN.

ONE BITE-

A LITTLE ON THE TONGUE-

A TASTE OF WELLNESS-

WHERE NO LACK

OR DISEASE

NO MEDICINE

OR PAIN

CAN ENTER.

THE UNION

OF ALL UNIONS.

THE MERGING-

ALL THE FORCES

COLLIDING AT ONCE

TURNING INTO LOVE-

LOVINGNESS-

THE IDEA

WILL COME OT

THAT WILL STOP THE KILLING-

THE HATRED-

THE WAR-

THE FEELING OF SUPERIORITY.

ALL FIELDS WILL BE LEVELED.

ALL EVIL WILL

BE BROUGHT

TO ITS KNEES.

ITS HEAD WILL BE STUCK

INTO THE DIRT

UNTIL IT REALIZES

IT IS HELPLESS

AGAINST THE MASSIVE GOODNESS-

THIS LOVE KINDNESS

THAT IS ALL PERVASIVE-

THAT COVERS

EVERY POSSIBILITY

AND OCCURRENCE.

IT POUNDS INTO ME-

IT BEATS ME-

IT NAILS ME

TO THE WALL.

IT OVERTAKES ME

UNTIL I FEEL ITS GRACE-

UNTIL I REALIZE

THERE IS NO RESISTANCE

TO LOVE

OTHER THAN THE ONE

I PUT UP TO IT.

LOVE IS NEVER

IN THE WAY-

ONLY I

AM IN MY OWN WAY.

I KNOW THERE ARE ANGELS

WHIRLING THROUGH THE TREES-

WHISPERING

THE MEANING OF EXISTEtence

On finding the meaning of existence

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